The Word vs. the Flesh
It is the first day of the new year.
2020. A year of vision, of seeing things anew.
For me, personally, it will be a year of BALANCE and WISDOM, the two words that have chosen me for the year. (Since 2018, I have had not one but two words alight upon my soul each year. I’m not complaining.)
I did not expect it to be a year of changed plans. But that is exactly what is happening. God is stirring things up again.
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Many of you know that in 2016, I discovered the word “theopoetics” and found my way to Bethany Theological Seminary. I attended my first theopoetics conference in Cincinnati in March of 2017, and in May of 2018 I was accepted at BTS for their Certificate in Theopoetics and the Theological Imagination. I was ecstatic. I knew I was made for this program. I had been doing theopoetics my entire life without knowing it.
So naturally, when I heard, toward the end of 2018, that BTS and Earlham School of Religion were planning to partner up for a new MA program in Theopoetics and Writing, I enthusiastically lifted my drooling jaw from the floor and yelped “SIGN ME UP NOW!”
As I have looked back on this process over the past several weeks, I realized that I made one fatal error: I did not run this new plan by God as I tried to force my way into it.
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In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9
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And so it came to pass that, as I planned out my spring semester courses—which would be my first official courses in the MA program, as I have now completed the certificate—several things came to light all at once. My car’s heater does not work (it’s an older model car and the parts aren’t made anymore, and so while the heat functions, it cannot actually be switched from cold air to heat anymore, even manually in the console panel). My husband’s car is having transmission issues. My tuition would be going up, as I’d be moving from the certificate program into the MA. It was basically a firestorm of signs that all led to one conclusion: It is not time.
God did not give me a definite NO or DO NOT ENTER sign, leading me to believe that the MATW may still be in my future. But it was definitely a PUT THAT IDEA AWAY FOR THIS SEASON sign.
And so, after mourning the apparent loss of a dream I’d held onto so tightly, and after much prayer and soul wrestling with God, I emailed my professors and advisors and let them know that I will be withdrawing for at least this semester.
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So what am I doing now?
A few months ago, in attempting to discern next steps on my journey toward ordination and stepping into ministry, I asked God what I was supposed to do. And the thing that clearly came to mind was not a voice, but (not ironically) a written word. Just one word. All caps. With a period at the end.
WRITE.
And God reminded me that God first called me to write, to be a writer. This was the calling I first wrestled with ten years ago, laying it down at the feet of Jesus, weeping from my gut, because I didn’t know what to do or how to do it, and it felt so big and scary—especially the things I felt led to write about.
(Side note: Often, the things God asks us to do feel big and scary at first—and sometimes they continue to.
But God is bigger than the big and scary things and will prepare us and walk with us through them.)
So I was remembering this, this word that God gave me, reminding me that I am first and foremost a writer, and thinking about what that means if I don’t hide behind grad school classes and instead just step into that calling fully.
What happens if I stop being afraid?
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God has also opened my eyes up to the fact that, without grad school on my plate, I will have more time to focus on the things I believe God has been deeply calling me into: writing my books, putting more focus and effort into further developing the youth poetry class I’ve been teaching, developing (with the same non-profit) a poetry workshop for women, and even taking some of the required classes locally for my path to ordination.
So for 2020, God has already started me off with BALANCE and WISDOM: taking stock of the things that are of utmost importance and help further my work for God’s kingdom, and laying aside those things I desire but may not be the best for me at this time.
I pray that I learn the concept of balancing my life through wisdom more and more as this year moves forward.
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